How to Say No

The hardest word I’ve ever learned to say is no. I have been known to be a people pleaser. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. If I’m being totally honest, I wanted people to like me so I said yes. 

As I’ve aged, I’ve gotten better at saying no. I think it’s because I know myself better, and I know what I’m able to do.

Seek God First

When I’m approached with an opportunity, my new habit is to always seek God first and pray. If you’ve been reading my previous posts, I’m beginning to sound like a broken record. I promise; this one habit will help you slow down and simplify your life.

Purpose

I wrote about discovering purpose, which helps in being able to say no.  I ask myself, “Is this something I have a natural talent for or is it part of my spiritual gifting?” If the answer is yes, it might be something I should do. I also remind myself that God likes to grow me so even if it doesn’t fall within my gifts or talents, is God trying to grow me? The answer to that helps guide me as well.  

Since I know my purpose is to build relationships and companion with others, I ask myself if whatever is being asked of me fits within that. Sometimes I’m asked to do administrative tasks, which is a natural talent of mine; but if I’m only doing administrative tasks and don’t get to grow relationships, I’m going to get frustrated over time.

Set Up Parameters

Over the years I’ve learned to set up parameters for myself. When our children were younger, I limited their activities and said no to Sunday activities. There were occasionally exceptions, but I mostly stayed within that. Sometimes it felt selfish, but I knew overburdening myself made me miserable, which in turn made everyone around me miserable. 

Life has changed, but I still set up parameters. Now, one of my parameters is not to do recurrent night time activities. Yes, I’m getting older, and that’s part of the reason; but I have nightly animal chores. When I commit to a regular night time activity then come home and do my nightly chores, it exhausts me so now I don’t commit to regular night time activities. 

But Don’t Always Say No

Sometimes I catch myself saying no to fun activities because I don’t think I have time. I’ve learned there’s a balance between overscheduling and missing an opportunity that might not come again. 

When the children were younger, when something fun came up, I immediately thought of all the other things I needed to do. Early on, I recognized I only had a few years with them while they were young so if we got an opportunity to do something fun that we didn’t normally get to do, I would try to make it happen.

I still have that attitude. This weekend I have an opportunity to go on an all day trail ride with some great ladies. When the opportunity came up, I realized it was wedged between going out of town and a weeklong class I’m taking. Even though there might be a little squeezing of my schedule, this is not something I get to do every day. I wanted to make it happen. With some pre-planning I can make sure it doesn’t cause too much stress elsewhere.

As Socrates said, “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” Oh how true that is. I’m just sorry it’s taken me this long to know myself better. Though I don’t get a do over for the first half of life, I’m hoping it can make a difference for the second half!